Just..start

So I learned from early on to only cry behind closed doors, on dim lights, without making a sound, to howl in pain silently, to break down without anyone knowing, and to never ask for help.

Because when no one sees you suffering, do you really suffer?

I was taught, from a very young age how to be stone cold, self reliant, to hold myself high and poised, with a half smile on my face, ready to face the world at any moment.

It s like when a tree falls in a forest, and no one is there to hear it, does it really make a sound ?

I can always pretend that whatever pains me never happened, and I can always go back and face the world pretending I’m ok.

I used to think that this is a very good asset in life, an advantage, like it s a good thing that people can’t tell how you feel or if you’re ok. But recently the way I see it, changed.

I don t think that people shouldn t know how you feel. I don t think that we should deal with stuff alone. Nobody is meant to deal with stuff alone. That s how depression creeps in. That’s how people think that suicide is a good idea. That s how people around regret the fact that they didn t pay more attention to you when you were still alive. It may be a friendly, necessary commonly sensed thing for the people who care about you to check up on you, but hey, it s your job and your responsibility to at least give them a chance to help you to go through whatever pains you, to allow them to know about it and give them the opportunity to be your support system and a helping hand.

If they don t know about it, it is literally impossible to help you.

And we all deserve better than that.

We can all do better than that.

You are responsible for your mental health. But the progress is in the details, in your mental discipline, but also in the people who surround you and the people who support you.

So don t do that anymore, don t hide between fake smiles and parties, and work, and seeming busy, when you re actually lonely and needing someone to talk to.

This Universe sends at least one person in everyone’s life, to be there for someone else.

There s no such thing as lonely people. You are the only person who can make yourself lonely, and you do that by pushing people away.

If you need some time apart to take care of yourself and nurture your wounds, that s fine, do it, but don t make it permanent. That s where it gets tricky. You have to let people in. Just close the door for a while, but dont lock it, so that people can enter and be there for you.

I think that depression isn’t just drinking coffee and shaking hands holding a cigarette or writing poetry late at night.

Depression is staying at home, sleeping for 4 days in a row, it s greasy hair, because you haven t showered in a week. It’s not eating. It’s tear stained pillows and trash covering every inch of your room because the thought of cleaning makes you sick.

It s a regular headache pill when you wake up. It s therapy every Wednesday. It s telling your friends you’re busy when in reality you can t handle the thought of leaving the sheets.

It s that moment when you ask yourself where should you go: to the left-where nothing’s right, or to the right where nothing’s left?

But somehow you have to snap out of it, because you know you re worthy, and you know it will all worth it. So start now. Start where you are. Start where you are, even if you re in the middle of the street, with your groceries in your hands, pick a moment and start. Start with pain, start with doubt, start with shaky hands, with your voice trembling, but start. Just ..start.